Inspired by Wonderland & Other Starving Artists
July 8, 2009
Today, while looking for courage in my hot, black liquid brew and listening to an older Carolyn Wonderland interview, I googgled the words, “Unemployed, Starving, and Stuck,” where I found a somewhat different take on life in “Kokes Notes.” Here’s one of the more inspiring thoughts from this blog:
So here’s to the life of a starving artist! Only it’s not a physiological starve. I’ve found there is no such thing as an anorexic artist. Not only do you lack the energy to pick up a pen, paintbrush, or instrument, but the arts are reflections of life and refusing to eat is an invitation to death so it just doesn’t work. The starve of an artist is one of ambitious yearning in the midst of mystery.
What happens when you don’t have a steady income is that you can’t afford the distractions – the ones that keep you from concentrating on your dreams or the ones that screen your imagination, or most importantly the ones that fuel your reckless vices. You start to see signs. You start to appreciate what you already have. You start to trust your gut feelings.~~Kokes Notes
After being awestruck by Little Red Elfinghood Wonderland for years, as she visibly dances with her muses, and thanks to the eloquence of “Kokes Notes,” I now realize the guts it takes each and every day, to keep concentrating on your dreams in order to be the artist you are becoming. What an artist Carolyn is. No distractions. Only her music.
Because of you, Carolyn Wonderland, I’m willing to just be with my muses, just be the starving artist for as long as it takes, because nothing else matters. Think of me and others like me, who are looking hard to find the guts it takes. You’ve got it all.
Emotional Bankruptcy~~Eclipse of the Heart~~How to Recover
September 5, 2008
Have you ever declared emotional bankruptcy?
Have you ever known someone whose cynicism caused them to claim total eclipse of the heart?
Without a doubt, we can crash our heart on life’s curves, and repairs can take some time, but to become permanently emotionally unavailable, to proclaim, “I’m broke,” or “I’m broken,” deprives us of opportunities to experience love in new, delightful, fulfilling ways and forms, from the most unexpected sources~~that may be just the “deposit of love” that our broken hearts needed to get back in the black.
With your patience, I’d like to offer this autobiographical situation as an illustration:
A few months ago, while driving my car through an intersection, another driver ignored the traffic signals and drover right into me, causing my neck to whip right and then left, bashing the left side of my head on my car’s door frame. A concussion resulted, effecting my hard earned mathmatical skills and my lifetime of musicianship. Soon after the accident, I discovered that I could no longer perform simple math, much less advanced algebra. An even more devastating moment occured when I sat down at the piano to read a new piece of music and found that music was now a foreign language to me. When I tried to execute compositions I had been playing for longer than memory served–that my fingers had known on their own, I learned that even the memory of my fingers had been damaged. Music had been ninety percent of my life since I was a toddler, and my livelihood since age twelve.
While I couldn’t expect to make my living as a musician for a while, I turned to other skills for income and began lovingly retraining my brain. At first, crosswords were like Greek to me but I conistently applied myself to working them in order to cause my mental synapses to fire; everyday, I turned my attention to redeveloping my musical abilities, whether it was singing, playing the piano, or playing the marimba; everyday, I apply new patience to working out mathmatical problems, and find creative ways of enticing both hemispheres of my brain to remember, to use unused cells, and develop new neuro-pathways. [for more on how the brain works, read Jill Bolte Taylor's book, Stroke of Insight. www.mystrokeofinsight.com]
My result thusfar, of not declaring musical bankruptcy or wallowing in despair over losing a lifetime of personal and financial investment? In the process of renewing my musical abilities, hiking and climbing have provided strength and coordination; in learning to ride and care for horses–I’ve developed relationships with these creatures who always daunted me before; writing and blogging provide hours of entertainment, pleasure and income; nature has revitalized my senses and my joy; AND I’ve developed the ability to accompany my singing on the marimba! A small trio wanting to be a quartet heard my voice and invited me to join their ranks. Needing some way to learn the music, I picked up my mallets and began picking out the tune and in a few days, I was singing and playing a simple melody. While no one would pay to hear me, this progress is priceless to me and I’ve found a group of musicians that I actually add to!
How much I’ll ever regain? Unknown. How much I’ve gained? Immeasurable. How much is yet to come? Infinite possibilities.
If I had declared myself musically broke or broken, I would have deprived myself of untold opportunities to experience love, music, life, people, nature, animals and even myself in new, delightful, fulfilling ways and forms, in the most unexpected ways~~that were just the “deposit” that my broken heart and life needed to get back in the black. Instead of getting smaller, my life is greatly enlarged.
No deposits, no withdrawals can be made on an account that’s been closed.~~A.
A spoon never tastes the soup…and we can miss out on tasting life if we don’t become porous…[Dr. Jim Rigby in http://itsawonderfulife.wordpress.com As Great As We Are...God Loves Other People Too!]
When we’re broken, to declare “bankruptcy” closes our account. While no withdrawals can be made, neither can deposits be applied or interest earned. Being broken calls us to enormous courage that begins simply, with the willingness to have courage…to take the very next breath, the very next thought and the very next step. {for more on willingness, read Carol Creel’s stories at www.lifeworks-marketing.com]
If you’re a soul feeling broken beyond repair, I hope that in this, you find the encouragement to be willing to keep some little part of your empty, broken heart open to being repaired and refilled. Especially when you feel that you have nothing to give, find something that you can give, no matter how seemingly small or insignificant, knowing that in your willingness, in your giving, you’ll find the courage and you’ll find the gift.~~Ashtora, 2008
[for more on hope and healing read Anna Miller's book, Mania. Madness. Miracles. www.thedepressionproject.com]
[for more on love and wisdom, listen to Dr. Jim Rigby's podcasts from www.staopen.com]
Not Getting Any Younger
As a self-proclaimed expert on Love, what it is and what it is not, I know very little about the opposite sex–men. I’m only a woman, age 53, not getting any younger, whose life has worked out pretty much to her liking, except for men.
itsawonderfulife
Saying “good-bye.”
May 17, 2010
Opening Statement: As a family, our efforts to continue to include you as family, reach out on behalf of your well being, and to enjoy what remains of you were met with hostility, disdain, disrespect, hatred, malice, use and abuse.
Body of Information: While we understand that your actions are probably beyond your control, we found that we could no longer abide them or continue to put ourselves in harm’s way.
Bringing it All Together: While we all continue to wish you well, and enjoy memories of the short time you were sober and not using, we’ve left you behind and will not look back.