Emotional Bankruptcy~~Eclipse of the Heart~~How to Recover

Have you ever declared emotional bankruptcy?

Have you ever known someone whose cynicism caused them to claim total eclipse of the heart?

Without a doubt, we can crash our heart on life’s curves, and repairs can take some time, but to become permanently emotionally unavailable, to proclaim, “I’m broke,” or “I’m broken,” deprives us of opportunities to experience love in new, delightful, fulfilling ways and forms, from the most unexpected sources~~that may be just the “deposit of love” that our broken hearts needed to get back in the black.

With your patience, I’d like to offer this autobiographical situation as an illustration:

A few months ago, while driving my car through an intersection, another driver ignored the traffic signals and drover right into me, causing my neck to whip right and then left, bashing the left side of my head on my car’s door frame.  A concussion resulted, effecting my hard earned mathmatical skills and my lifetime of musicianship.  Soon after the accident, I discovered that I could no longer perform simple math, much less advanced algebra.  An even more devastating moment occured when I sat down at the piano to read a new piece of music and found that music was now a foreign language to me.  When I tried to execute compositions I had been playing for longer than memory served–that my fingers had known on their own, I learned that even the memory of my fingers had been damaged.  Music had been ninety percent of my life since I was a toddler, and my livelihood since age twelve.

While I couldn’t expect to make my living as a musician for a while, I turned to other skills for income and began lovingly retraining my brain.  At first, crosswords were like Greek to me but I conistently applied myself to working them in order to cause my mental synapses to fire; everyday, I turned my attention to redeveloping my musical abilities, whether it was singing, playing the piano, or playing the marimba; everyday, I apply new patience to working out mathmatical problems, and find creative ways of enticing both hemispheres of my brain to remember, to use unused cells, and develop new neuro-pathways. [for more on how the brain works, read Jill Bolte Taylor's book, Stroke of Insight. www.mystrokeofinsight.com]

My result thusfar, of not declaring musical bankruptcy or wallowing in despair over losing a lifetime of personal and financial investment?  In the process of renewing my musical abilities, hiking and climbing have provided strength and coordination; in learning to ride and care for horses–I’ve developed relationships with these creatures who always daunted me before; writing and blogging provide hours of entertainment, pleasure and income; nature has revitalized my senses and my joy; AND I’ve developed the ability to accompany my singing on the marimba!  A small trio wanting to be a quartet heard my voice and invited me to join their ranks.  Needing some way to learn the music, I picked up my mallets and began picking out the tune and in a few days, I was singing and playing a simple melody.  While no one would pay to hear me, this progress is priceless to me and I’ve found a group of musicians that I actually add to!

How much I’ll ever regain?  Unknown.  How much I’ve gained?  Immeasurable.  How much is yet to come?  Infinite possibilities. 

If I had declared myself musically broke or broken, I would have deprived myself of untold opportunities to experience love, music, life, people, nature, animals and even myself in new, delightful, fulfilling ways and forms, in the most unexpected ways~~that were just the “deposit” that my broken heart and life needed to get back in the black.  Instead of getting smaller, my life is greatly enlarged.

No deposits, no withdrawals can be made on an account that’s been closed.~~A.

A spoon never tastes the soup…and we can miss out on tasting life if we don’t become porous…[Dr. Jim Rigby in http://itsawonderfulife.wordpress.com As Great As We Are...God Loves Other People Too!]

When we’re broken, to declare “bankruptcy” closes our account.  While no withdrawals can be made, neither can deposits be applied or interest earned.  Being broken calls us to enormous courage that begins simply, with the willingness to have courage…to take the very next breath, the very next thought and the very next step. {for more on willingness, read Carol Creel’s stories at www.lifeworks-marketing.com] 

If you’re a soul feeling broken beyond repair, I hope that in this, you find the encouragement to be willing to keep some little part of your empty, broken heart open to being repaired and refilled.  Especially when you feel that you have nothing to give, find something that you can give, no matter how seemingly small or insignificant, knowing that in your willingness, in your giving, you’ll find the courage and you’ll find the gift.~~Ashtora, 2008

[for more on hope and healing read Anna Miller's book, Mania.  Madness. Miracles. www.thedepressionproject.com]

[for more on love and wisdom, listen to Dr. Jim Rigby's podcasts from www.staopen.com]

Small Things~~”If We “Do Not Find Our Roots In Nature, We Will Perish As A Species”

Small Things for The Humility of Christ podcast see http://itsawonderfulife.wordpress.com

In listening to Small Things, a call to nature with spiritual and practical instruction on organic vs. mechanical,  we are invited to allow Tao wisdom to enrich the parable comparing the kindom of heaven to the small little mustard seed when surrendered to the soil, gives birth to a magnificent tree where the birds of the air come to perch upon its branches, given by Jesus.

If we do not find our roots in nature, we will perish as a species…If we do not return to these roots, our children will live in a poisonous world.~~Dr. James Rigby, Small Things, 2008

Speaker, Dr. Jim Rigby, though a minister and pastor of a Presbyterian Church, in Austin, Texas, says he loves Tao scripture, that it helps him to understand what Jesus was saying, so much more deeply.

Though Jesus uses images from nature frequently, Jesus spoke mystically insists Rigby.

It’s very, very important not to take the Bible literally, because you cannot understand the mystical and also be literal.”~~Dr. Jim  Rigby, Small Things, 2008

With his passion for humanity resonating in every word, Dr. Rigby pleas with us to find the truths of our own being, to learn:

…we are not the frightened little creatures we think we are…we need to know and feel from the inside out that we are children of nature…we are the world…as natural as a tree.~~Rigby, Small Things, 2008

Rev. Rigby also urges us to “let life support us,” “let the mountain lift us up,” “to integrate every human activity within the balanace of nature,” proclaiming that “there’s only one Balance.”

Rigby reveals that every day, some Bush activity takes his breath away; but, leaves us with this encouragement:

When we look at life organically, no matter how bleak the present [moment] may seem, we always have a seed we can plant for the future.~~Rigby, Small Things, 2008

You may find this podcast, that invites us to wake up to our Unity with All of Life, to open to the depth of life, and to realize we are the One, worth listening to, over and over again. ~~Ashtora, 2008

Thank you Rev. Rigby for your passionate love for humanity and all of nature…for helping us to recognize our unity…to recognize the great in the small.

Visit  http://www.staopen.com/podcast/index.php in order to select other podcasts by Dr. James Rigby or others who have spoken at St. Andrew’s Presbyterian Church in Austin, TX.

 

Dr. James Rigby

“How’s Your Lovelife?” or “…Only Trouble Is, Gee Whiz, I’m Dreamin’ My Life Away.”

Not Getting Any Younger

As a self-proclaimed expert on Love, what it is and what it is not, I know very little about the opposite sex–men.  I’m only a woman, age 53, not getting any younger, whose life has worked out pretty much to her liking, except for men.

Actually, my relationships with men have been consistently satisfactory, except when it comes to love.  My employers, my teachers, mentors, son-in-laws, friends, brothers, and especially my father have all been paramount to my experience as a human being; so, how is it that I’m such an “expert” on LOVE, but my LOVE LIFE is only history?

I have been IN LOVE, but never IN LOVE with the one man I’ve always wanted to love and wanted to love me…you see, I’ve only met him in my dreams.  I’ve been dreaming of him for years.

Sometimes he’s younger, sometimes he’s older.  He’s been white, he’s been black.  There have been times when his face was never revealed; yet, he’s always the same tall man with a genuine soul, a great mind and an even greater heart.

His heart and his integrity are always unmistakably visibly etched in his face; his strength in his arms; the warmth in his touch; and the gentleness in his kiss.  He’s a man whose largeness of capacity to provide for his own well-being and the well-being of family, friends, and community feels like being wrapped up in a star, loved just as you are, and carried safely home–whether near or far.

He’s a man who belongs to no one, yet to everyone.  He’s his own person, yet always available whenever needed.  He’s longed for me for as long as I have him.

I may never know him, except in my heart of hearts and in my dreams, even though I do find a little of him in everyone, different parts in some than others, even a little in myself; but until I do find him, I’ll continue to dream, dream, dream.

Sweet Dreams.

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Finding the Eternal in the Temporal or The Empty Vessel Never Filled

\”The Empty Vessel Never Filled,\” by Dr. Jim Rigby

I promised you pages on the people, places, things, and experiences that have made my life wonderful; so, may I start at the TOP?   Here’s Dr. Jim Rigby of Austin, Texas, teaching on what he calls, “The Empty Vessel Never Filled,”  but I call it, “Finding the Eternal in the Temporal.” 

[Look for the word "Comments" below, at the end of the tag word list.  Click on this in order to post your comment on this podcast or blog.]

In this, his most recent scholarly teaching, Rigby addresses a distinguished audience of Christians, Atheists, Agnostics, Pantheists, Buddhists, Taoists, and people of just about any race, creed, political, religious or anti-religious perspective.  Worth bearing in mind, perhaps, is the fact that this audience gathered and assembled themselves in a small building on the corner property of Wells Branch and Wells Port, called St. Andrew’s Presbyterian Church, located in the Wells Branch suburb of Austin, TX,  where the oft controversial justice advocate, Dr. Rigby has taught for more than twenty years, specifically to hear the Reverend Dr. Jim Rigby eloquently expound on his topic of choice.

Though brilliant, his teachings have brought him oftentimes, harsh criticism from theologians, traditional religious figures, the Presbyterian Synod, Mission Presbytery, legal zealots, anti-gay activists and even members and former members of the church itself. 

In this particular podcast, Jim dares to illumine Christian text with Taoist teachings, merging texts into one message that has the power to continuously inform and transform our lives, providing the richness and presentness one might not hear elsewhere, from more conventional theologians.  The podcast begins with a reader citing text from Christian scripture, then Dr. Rigby, with the skill of an Artisan, weaves in Tao text, stories, humor, Science, history, metaphors and rich poetry.  The result may provide just what you need to hear in order to heal that certain hurting aspect of your life that has kept you from getting past the losses and changes you’ve experienced:

http://www.staopen.com/podcast/index.php  or http://www.staopen.com/podcast/Rigby_0810.mp3

To hear Jim’s unique perspective and perhaps find the answers to such questions as, “What is Eternity?” and “Why should we not worry?” click and play the above podcast link or choose from the index of topics, “The Empty Vessel Never Filled.”  Especially listen for sandcastles, bubbles, and Edgar Allan Poe’s, “Dream Within A Dream.”  Your comments are invited.  I look forward to hearing from you.–It’s a Wonder-ful Life!  Ash

WHEN YOU LOVE, YOU’RE A FAR GREATER PERSON

Because I loved you, I became a far greater me.

Loving you gave me the desire to live kindly with generosity toward all I could see;

I aspired to always succeed in ever new endeavors, to exceed all past success;

It was so important that my life earned your trust and your respect, without regress;

Never giving you cause to regret loving me, was everything;

Because you made my heart sing.

Because I loved you, I loved more, laughed more, cried more, lived more, worked more;

Beacause I loved you, my day was brighter, I walked lighter; I almost flew;

You made my heart soar.

When you left, I learned to love you still,

What a great gift–overcoming my will.

In loving you still, I learned to surrender my ego.

But when our paths diverged and I had to let you go,

I felt empty and small; it was a crushing blow.

Because I let go of loving you, I forfeited my heart.

I am become a lesser me.

LOVE REALLY IZ IZ!

 

  Meet IZ! I belong to him.  He picked me to be his human companion, five and half years ago, at Buchannan General Store, in Buchannan, Texas.

 I’ll always remember that day.  It was just before Easter that year. My husband, both my daughters, all of my grandchildren, and my brother and his wife from California were all with me in Austin, TX for the Easter Season. Eleven of us caravanned out to Lake Buchannan, where we met Jim Eachus, the owner of the General Store there.

Jim introduced us to IZ , his siblings and his cousins.

Eager to enjoy PUPPYVILLE, we each began meeting the resident inhabitants of Lake Buchannan. As I greeted each precious, fuzzy member of IZ’s canine family (and there were lots of them!), I held them close and nuzzled my nose into their necks, I couldn’t help but notice that IZ, the only one with a pink nose and pink belly, nuzzled me back! His warmth and love “had me at hello.” And, so it was, that IZ chose me, when he was only four weeks old. His brother ALI couldn’t bear to be left behind–choosing to come live with us as well.

Two weeks later,when IZ and Ali came to live with us, my husband and I returned to Lake Buchannan equipped with food, water and a traveling kennel…everything needed to bring IZ and his brother ALI home with us. Even though it was an unseasonably HOT day, we all really needed a “pit stop” to relieve our bladders, so we stopped at a roadside park near a stream with picnic tables and benches.

We poured water into a small bowl made of molded plastic, and set it on the ground for IZ and ALI to drink from. Before IZ took even one drink, he took the dish in his teeth and dragged the bowl beneath the nearest source of shade–a picnic table. There, he and Ali drank every last drop. When the bowl was dry, this six-week old border collie flipped the bowl upside down and began skillfully pushing it with his nose, running the parking lot with it as though he were running a soccer ball across the field toward the goal; thus, providing our first, minuscule glimpse of things to come, our first insight into the intelligence of this miraculous being and how dramatically he would change lives.

At first, ALI went home with my daughter, leaving only IZ to train and raise us as his alone.  IZ could have been described as “easy to train,”but my own personal view is that he was born a master communicator. From the onset, he consistently let us know exactly what he wanted–consistency in return-to be challenged and to always learn something new–IZ loved developing his own “repertoire” of skills he could perform. He wanted fed, he wanted out, he wanted in, he wanted to play ball, wanted more toys, wanted all of his belongings to have individual names, wanted to play hide and go seek, wanted challenges, wanted to be with me and go with me every time the car went, and wanted to go to work with my husband. IZ loved riding up front–or with his head out the window.

He has always enjoyed and loved the “drive-through” experience…greeting the pharmacist or the Starbuck’s baristas or the bank tellers–and gaining their respective rewards.

He made friends with everyone. The unrestrained enthusiasm and joy IZ expressed with finding his “snaky baby” or his “ball” or “mommy’s shoes” or “daddy’s keys” or bringing “the stick” brought sunlight into every moment of my life. Today, he still comes running, tail up, ears flopping like wings, whenever he hears his name called, or the simple, high-pitched, “YIP.” Again, the joy he responded to us with, whenever we understood what he wanted and were able to deliver it, was his SECRET SKILL of intentional, highly-evolved communication. No one could but respond to IZ with the same joy he directed toward each and every one of us. Joy to Joy, Heart to Heart–IZ courageously lives and breathes these qualities with every breath and every pant.

His powers of recovery have been demonstrated over and over again throughout the five years we’ve spent together thus far. When he hit a car while trying to meet a neighbor’s cat, he yelped, ran back into the yard where he layed down for about 20 minutes before leaping up as though nothing had happened. When he fell down a fifty-foot mine shaft in New Mexico, he lay motionless in the blackness of the interior for four and a half hours (4 1/2) while we found a rock climber to descend down the hole, scoop IZ up in a canvas duffle bag and bring him back to the surface. He was one happy border collie, rejoining us and the light of day. His courage has never wavered; not even when he was bitten by the rattlesnake IZ mistakenly greeted. Bleeding profusely, muscles failing him, he kept his eyes fixed on mine, with his Spirit shouting, “I love you too much to leave you–I’m gonna be okay, I’m gonna make it!”

It took IZ a year to recover from the bite. For a year, he couldn’t open his mouth wide enough catch his precious balls, yet his efforts were relentless until he did indeed, finally regain his abilities. The left side of his head remains concave, reminding us of his gallant spirit in the face of adverse circumstances.

IZ came into this world with his own remarkable genius, his own indominatable spirit, his own gregarious personality, generously, unabashedly sharing his love, sharing his tennis balls and frizbees with everyone he meets, while at the same time, remaining quick to join you in your game, idea or activity–always alert, always ready, always willing. He’s taught me and everyone he encounters how to love, how to live in and from our hearts, how to experience pure, unadulterated joy.

I’m so very grateful for the many gifts that IZ is and has brought to my life and this world as it comes to him. He’s truly been a great gift to the humanity that have been fortunate enough to make his acquaintance. ALI later rejoined us, and became a vital part of our lives, but it has been IZ who taught me more about what LOVE IZ and LOVE IZ NOT, than anyone or anything in the whole of my experience. 

When my husband and I went our separate ways, we were both very grateful that we had two border collies.  Ali went with my husband and IZ remains with me…my constant joy, friend and companion.

 

 

IZ PICKED ME!

 

HOW DID ONE ROOF BECOME SO POPULAR?

Who can tell us when the concept of men and women living together under one roof became widely accepted?  Who would vote with me to end this senseless practice?

 I believe that the world today would be a much more peaceful planet, were the sexes to agree to live separately.  Sincerely, who wouldn’t be able to love and respect their husband, wife, lover more, were they allowed the space and freedom of autonomous living?  Sure, your “standard of living” may not be quite the same, but with your quality of life and relationship enhanced, suffering would be counted as gain.

With the advances in personal freedom, mutual love, respect, and peaceful relationships, doesn’t it stand to reason that the personal gains would rise through the hierarchy of community, national and international interactions and relationships?  What I’m asking is, wouldn’t we live more peacefully on a global scale, if we had peace at the family level?  What could we possibly be sacrificing by providing for privacy and space–what I consider to be most elemental and foundational in our “hierarchy of needs.” [Maslow]

Once you’ve given it some thought, allowed the concept to sink in, your ideas on how to accomplish this shift in societal thinking are welcome.  Is this worthwhile?  Why or why not?

Keep in mind, I’m not devaluing or discrediting men or women, families or singularities, marriage or non-married unions; to the contrary, I’m only recognizing the value in respecting and supporting one’s own and well as the significant others’ person, space, individuality, autonomy, and freedom to agree to when and how to share those along with time and energy with another; as well as, acknowledging how unsatisfying the nature of cohabitation of couples truly is.  Before you argue, note that statistically, divorce rates and unhappy “marriages” bear this out.  Maybe, it’s not our marriages that are unhappy; maybe, just maybe, living together, beneath the same roof, seeing each other every day, day in and night out, is an impossible way to live and support happiness and harmonious living.  Simply because, Love, peace and harmony are not by-products of control or invasion or even suffering in silence or outloud with someone else’s intolerabilities.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and ideas, so get to blogging.

LOVE LIST

Love begins with yourself.

Love does not avoid responsibility; but love does not “fix.”

 

Love has boundaries but never judges.

 

 

 

Love responds and supports but does not play both sides of the court; and Love never keeps score.

 

Love gifts and Love receives.

 

Love collaborates.

 

Love never ceases

 

Love builds bridges.

Love broadens, searches out and finds new ways.

Love is secure…love trusts.

Love respects.

Love enjoys.

Love is grateful.

Love surrenders the ego…is humble.

Love works.

Love plays.

Love renews.

Love, like water, is powerful.

Love recognizes there is never anything to forgive.

Love moves mountains.

Love is not about what I can do for you, it’s about believing in you.

Love sees the Perfection and knows that All is Well.

We are loved.

I believe in You.

I believe in Me, too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LOVE DOES NOT FIT INTO YOUR BOX

Love is not looking for someone that fits into your box. Love does not attempt to remold and reshape the “other “in order to make them fit into your box. Love is kindly curious, allowing the “other” to unfold into their lives, observing with awe and reverence rather than judgment. 

Love recognizes with compassion the difficult terrain that every soul must travel in order to gain their human experience. Love respects the added fullness of humanity that each individual brings to their own. Love recognizes that we are all ONE–that there is in truth, NO OTHER.

Rather than shaping “others” to fit our box, “others” actually enlarge, colour and reshape us and our containers. How beautiful we are, with new dimensions of beauty continually developing in each new moment.

Love observes, enjoys and appreciates the process, joyously blessing all of creation, with every creative breath. Love surrenders to the Mystery and to all that is–Unknown.   

 

 

My Gift of Love…

Statistics bear out the fact that my history of several marriages is not uncommon; however, my last marriage, at the age of 45, took me by surprise, as I believed that I would never marry again.The man that I married was precious beyond comparison. He loved me with all of his strength, devoting inordinate amounts of energy to our life together. The six years we spent together were the only drug-free years of his life, since his teen hood.

I loved him with all of my strength too. When he left me because he had returned to a life of using, it nearly killed me. The loss was too great. For two years afterward, I maintained contact, to make sure he was okay…surviving at least; always yearning in my heart for him to decide to recover from his departure and want “us” again.

Two years after he left me, I finally surrendered him and “us” to Spirit. Several weeks later, he asked me to relocate, and take a job near him. I didn’t think that I could do it, but my heart is what it is, and I believed that surrendering to Spirit allowed this to happen.

Leaving a metropolitan area that I had known for twenty years as my home, I moved my border collie and me to a remote mountain area, a thousand miles away, where all of the traditions of love, marriage, commitment, companionship and friendship that have heretofore shaped my life underwent radical reconstruction. My husband and I live near in geographical proximity to one another, see each other frequently, have morning coffee together, have brief conversations, sometimes longer, camp together, hike together, work together, ride horses together, play with our border collies together, sometimes even make love together…but do not live together.

I’ve accepted his current lifestyle, circumstances and choices even though they are not in harmony with mine. I’ve never asked him to change anything about himself. If I don’t love him as he is for who he is and what he’s become, then I don’t love him. Of course, I want the best for him, but how do I know what his Spiritual Path is? It’s not up to me to determine his path. I’m extremely grateful that our paths allow us to walk side by side, sometimes.

In the past, I could never have imagined such an unorthodox or non-traditional relationship; but in my view, by surrendering to Spirit…letting go, I’ve enlarged my views and concepts of what love is and what love is not. I don’t believe that love judges or criticizes though it’s often called upon to reflect and to offer perspective. I believe that love finds the strength to believe in and see the perfection, no matter what.

Surrendered, I love this man that I took as my mate, eight years ago. His strength, his weakness, his love, his searching, his confusion, his abilities, his inabilities, his peace, his turmoil, all of him…I just love him as he is for who he is, who he was, and who he is yet to become. I love me too; for all the same reasons.

This is my gift of love.