Death & Dying: Dangling Priscilla

Have you ever seen an disabled person suspended in mid-air–somewhere between heaven and hell by a HOYA ?  It’s the stuff my nightmares are made of.  I dangle Priscilla, a ninety year old invalid, by day and see nightmarish visions of her by night.  The real nightmare is hers.  She can’t take it anymore…she mumbles over and over during her daily ”danglings” that transport Priscilla from her bed to her wheelchair and back again…day in and day out.

Life forced upon her, Priscilla dangles, kept alive by a feeding tube and a catheter–in one bag and out the other; visiting her husband of over 60 years for several moments or several hours at a time, determined by various factors effecting her tolerance and tolerability.

By day, I dangle her in suspension between wheelchair and bed; by night, I see her dangling in her HOYA Sling, suspended in vast Universal space, between heaven and hell.  With her mouth drooping to the side and agape, painted in bright red lipstick, short lime green hair spiked, body useless and limp, Priscilla hangs in her Royal Blue sling, slumping to the right, utterly helpless and defenseless…at the mercy of everyone and everything…sometimes aware, but mostly not…this is my nightmare.  Could the flames of Hades be any worse?

A few weeks ago, she asked me if I was going to shoot her.  I looked her in the eyes and said, “No, Priscilla, not today.”  With a look of shock and surprise, she actually managed a lopsided smile and said, “I like you, you’re funny.”

More recently, Priscilla spoke out loud, “I’m so lonely and so bored…”  But now, she can barely mumble, “I can’t take it anymore.” 

I’m ready when you are Priscilla, because I can’t take it anymore either.

Finding the Eternal in the Temporal or The Empty Vessel Never Filled

\”The Empty Vessel Never Filled,\” by Dr. Jim Rigby

I promised you pages on the people, places, things, and experiences that have made my life wonderful; so, may I start at the TOP?   Here’s Dr. Jim Rigby of Austin, Texas, teaching on what he calls, “The Empty Vessel Never Filled,”  but I call it, “Finding the Eternal in the Temporal.” 

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In this, his most recent scholarly teaching, Rigby addresses a distinguished audience of Christians, Atheists, Agnostics, Pantheists, Buddhists, Taoists, and people of just about any race, creed, political, religious or anti-religious perspective.  Worth bearing in mind, perhaps, is the fact that this audience gathered and assembled themselves in a small building on the corner property of Wells Branch and Wells Port, called St. Andrew’s Presbyterian Church, located in the Wells Branch suburb of Austin, TX,  where the oft controversial justice advocate, Dr. Rigby has taught for more than twenty years, specifically to hear the Reverend Dr. Jim Rigby eloquently expound on his topic of choice.

Though brilliant, his teachings have brought him oftentimes, harsh criticism from theologians, traditional religious figures, the Presbyterian Synod, Mission Presbytery, legal zealots, anti-gay activists and even members and former members of the church itself. 

In this particular podcast, Jim dares to illumine Christian text with Taoist teachings, merging texts into one message that has the power to continuously inform and transform our lives, providing the richness and presentness one might not hear elsewhere, from more conventional theologians.  The podcast begins with a reader citing text from Christian scripture, then Dr. Rigby, with the skill of an Artisan, weaves in Tao text, stories, humor, Science, history, metaphors and rich poetry.  The result may provide just what you need to hear in order to heal that certain hurting aspect of your life that has kept you from getting past the losses and changes you’ve experienced:

http://www.staopen.com/podcast/index.php  or http://www.staopen.com/podcast/Rigby_0810.mp3

To hear Jim’s unique perspective and perhaps find the answers to such questions as, “What is Eternity?” and “Why should we not worry?” click and play the above podcast link or choose from the index of topics, “The Empty Vessel Never Filled.”  Especially listen for sandcastles, bubbles, and Edgar Allan Poe’s, “Dream Within A Dream.”  Your comments are invited.  I look forward to hearing from you.–It’s a Wonder-ful Life!  Ash

LOVE REALLY IZ IZ!

 

  Meet IZ! I belong to him.  He picked me to be his human companion, five and half years ago, at Buchannan General Store, in Buchannan, Texas.

 I’ll always remember that day.  It was just before Easter that year. My husband, both my daughters, all of my grandchildren, and my brother and his wife from California were all with me in Austin, TX for the Easter Season. Eleven of us caravanned out to Lake Buchannan, where we met Jim Eachus, the owner of the General Store there.

Jim introduced us to IZ , his siblings and his cousins.

Eager to enjoy PUPPYVILLE, we each began meeting the resident inhabitants of Lake Buchannan. As I greeted each precious, fuzzy member of IZ’s canine family (and there were lots of them!), I held them close and nuzzled my nose into their necks, I couldn’t help but notice that IZ, the only one with a pink nose and pink belly, nuzzled me back! His warmth and love “had me at hello.” And, so it was, that IZ chose me, when he was only four weeks old. His brother ALI couldn’t bear to be left behind–choosing to come live with us as well.

Two weeks later,when IZ and Ali came to live with us, my husband and I returned to Lake Buchannan equipped with food, water and a traveling kennel…everything needed to bring IZ and his brother ALI home with us. Even though it was an unseasonably HOT day, we all really needed a “pit stop” to relieve our bladders, so we stopped at a roadside park near a stream with picnic tables and benches.

We poured water into a small bowl made of molded plastic, and set it on the ground for IZ and ALI to drink from. Before IZ took even one drink, he took the dish in his teeth and dragged the bowl beneath the nearest source of shade–a picnic table. There, he and Ali drank every last drop. When the bowl was dry, this six-week old border collie flipped the bowl upside down and began skillfully pushing it with his nose, running the parking lot with it as though he were running a soccer ball across the field toward the goal; thus, providing our first, minuscule glimpse of things to come, our first insight into the intelligence of this miraculous being and how dramatically he would change lives.

At first, ALI went home with my daughter, leaving only IZ to train and raise us as his alone.  IZ could have been described as “easy to train,”but my own personal view is that he was born a master communicator. From the onset, he consistently let us know exactly what he wanted–consistency in return-to be challenged and to always learn something new–IZ loved developing his own “repertoire” of skills he could perform. He wanted fed, he wanted out, he wanted in, he wanted to play ball, wanted more toys, wanted all of his belongings to have individual names, wanted to play hide and go seek, wanted challenges, wanted to be with me and go with me every time the car went, and wanted to go to work with my husband. IZ loved riding up front–or with his head out the window.

He has always enjoyed and loved the “drive-through” experience…greeting the pharmacist or the Starbuck’s baristas or the bank tellers–and gaining their respective rewards.

He made friends with everyone. The unrestrained enthusiasm and joy IZ expressed with finding his “snaky baby” or his “ball” or “mommy’s shoes” or “daddy’s keys” or bringing “the stick” brought sunlight into every moment of my life. Today, he still comes running, tail up, ears flopping like wings, whenever he hears his name called, or the simple, high-pitched, “YIP.” Again, the joy he responded to us with, whenever we understood what he wanted and were able to deliver it, was his SECRET SKILL of intentional, highly-evolved communication. No one could but respond to IZ with the same joy he directed toward each and every one of us. Joy to Joy, Heart to Heart–IZ courageously lives and breathes these qualities with every breath and every pant.

His powers of recovery have been demonstrated over and over again throughout the five years we’ve spent together thus far. When he hit a car while trying to meet a neighbor’s cat, he yelped, ran back into the yard where he layed down for about 20 minutes before leaping up as though nothing had happened. When he fell down a fifty-foot mine shaft in New Mexico, he lay motionless in the blackness of the interior for four and a half hours (4 1/2) while we found a rock climber to descend down the hole, scoop IZ up in a canvas duffle bag and bring him back to the surface. He was one happy border collie, rejoining us and the light of day. His courage has never wavered; not even when he was bitten by the rattlesnake IZ mistakenly greeted. Bleeding profusely, muscles failing him, he kept his eyes fixed on mine, with his Spirit shouting, “I love you too much to leave you–I’m gonna be okay, I’m gonna make it!”

It took IZ a year to recover from the bite. For a year, he couldn’t open his mouth wide enough catch his precious balls, yet his efforts were relentless until he did indeed, finally regain his abilities. The left side of his head remains concave, reminding us of his gallant spirit in the face of adverse circumstances.

IZ came into this world with his own remarkable genius, his own indominatable spirit, his own gregarious personality, generously, unabashedly sharing his love, sharing his tennis balls and frizbees with everyone he meets, while at the same time, remaining quick to join you in your game, idea or activity–always alert, always ready, always willing. He’s taught me and everyone he encounters how to love, how to live in and from our hearts, how to experience pure, unadulterated joy.

I’m so very grateful for the many gifts that IZ is and has brought to my life and this world as it comes to him. He’s truly been a great gift to the humanity that have been fortunate enough to make his acquaintance. ALI later rejoined us, and became a vital part of our lives, but it has been IZ who taught me more about what LOVE IZ and LOVE IZ NOT, than anyone or anything in the whole of my experience. 

When my husband and I went our separate ways, we were both very grateful that we had two border collies.  Ali went with my husband and IZ remains with me…my constant joy, friend and companion.

 

 

IZ PICKED ME!

 

HOW DID ONE ROOF BECOME SO POPULAR?

Who can tell us when the concept of men and women living together under one roof became widely accepted?  Who would vote with me to end this senseless practice?

 I believe that the world today would be a much more peaceful planet, were the sexes to agree to live separately.  Sincerely, who wouldn’t be able to love and respect their husband, wife, lover more, were they allowed the space and freedom of autonomous living?  Sure, your “standard of living” may not be quite the same, but with your quality of life and relationship enhanced, suffering would be counted as gain.

With the advances in personal freedom, mutual love, respect, and peaceful relationships, doesn’t it stand to reason that the personal gains would rise through the hierarchy of community, national and international interactions and relationships?  What I’m asking is, wouldn’t we live more peacefully on a global scale, if we had peace at the family level?  What could we possibly be sacrificing by providing for privacy and space–what I consider to be most elemental and foundational in our “hierarchy of needs.” [Maslow]

Once you’ve given it some thought, allowed the concept to sink in, your ideas on how to accomplish this shift in societal thinking are welcome.  Is this worthwhile?  Why or why not?

Keep in mind, I’m not devaluing or discrediting men or women, families or singularities, marriage or non-married unions; to the contrary, I’m only recognizing the value in respecting and supporting one’s own and well as the significant others’ person, space, individuality, autonomy, and freedom to agree to when and how to share those along with time and energy with another; as well as, acknowledging how unsatisfying the nature of cohabitation of couples truly is.  Before you argue, note that statistically, divorce rates and unhappy “marriages” bear this out.  Maybe, it’s not our marriages that are unhappy; maybe, just maybe, living together, beneath the same roof, seeing each other every day, day in and night out, is an impossible way to live and support happiness and harmonious living.  Simply because, Love, peace and harmony are not by-products of control or invasion or even suffering in silence or outloud with someone else’s intolerabilities.

I’d love to hear your thoughts and ideas, so get to blogging.

LOVE LIST

Love begins with yourself.

Love does not avoid responsibility; but love does not “fix.”

 

Love has boundaries but never judges.

 

 

 

Love responds and supports but does not play both sides of the court; and Love never keeps score.

 

Love gifts and Love receives.

 

Love collaborates.

 

Love never ceases

 

Love builds bridges.

Love broadens, searches out and finds new ways.

Love is secure…love trusts.

Love respects.

Love enjoys.

Love is grateful.

Love surrenders the ego…is humble.

Love works.

Love plays.

Love renews.

Love, like water, is powerful.

Love recognizes there is never anything to forgive.

Love moves mountains.

Love is not about what I can do for you, it’s about believing in you.

Love sees the Perfection and knows that All is Well.

We are loved.

I believe in You.

I believe in Me, too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

LOVE DOES NOT FIT INTO YOUR BOX

Love is not looking for someone that fits into your box. Love does not attempt to remold and reshape the “other “in order to make them fit into your box. Love is kindly curious, allowing the “other” to unfold into their lives, observing with awe and reverence rather than judgment. 

Love recognizes with compassion the difficult terrain that every soul must travel in order to gain their human experience. Love respects the added fullness of humanity that each individual brings to their own. Love recognizes that we are all ONE–that there is in truth, NO OTHER.

Rather than shaping “others” to fit our box, “others” actually enlarge, colour and reshape us and our containers. How beautiful we are, with new dimensions of beauty continually developing in each new moment.

Love observes, enjoys and appreciates the process, joyously blessing all of creation, with every creative breath. Love surrenders to the Mystery and to all that is–Unknown.   

 

 

My Gift of Love…

Statistics bear out the fact that my history of several marriages is not uncommon; however, my last marriage, at the age of 45, took me by surprise, as I believed that I would never marry again.The man that I married was precious beyond comparison. He loved me with all of his strength, devoting inordinate amounts of energy to our life together. The six years we spent together were the only drug-free years of his life, since his teen hood.

I loved him with all of my strength too. When he left me because he had returned to a life of using, it nearly killed me. The loss was too great. For two years afterward, I maintained contact, to make sure he was okay…surviving at least; always yearning in my heart for him to decide to recover from his departure and want “us” again.

Two years after he left me, I finally surrendered him and “us” to Spirit. Several weeks later, he asked me to relocate, and take a job near him. I didn’t think that I could do it, but my heart is what it is, and I believed that surrendering to Spirit allowed this to happen.

Leaving a metropolitan area that I had known for twenty years as my home, I moved my border collie and me to a remote mountain area, a thousand miles away, where all of the traditions of love, marriage, commitment, companionship and friendship that have heretofore shaped my life underwent radical reconstruction. My husband and I live near in geographical proximity to one another, see each other frequently, have morning coffee together, have brief conversations, sometimes longer, camp together, hike together, work together, ride horses together, play with our border collies together, sometimes even make love together…but do not live together.

I’ve accepted his current lifestyle, circumstances and choices even though they are not in harmony with mine. I’ve never asked him to change anything about himself. If I don’t love him as he is for who he is and what he’s become, then I don’t love him. Of course, I want the best for him, but how do I know what his Spiritual Path is? It’s not up to me to determine his path. I’m extremely grateful that our paths allow us to walk side by side, sometimes.

In the past, I could never have imagined such an unorthodox or non-traditional relationship; but in my view, by surrendering to Spirit…letting go, I’ve enlarged my views and concepts of what love is and what love is not. I don’t believe that love judges or criticizes though it’s often called upon to reflect and to offer perspective. I believe that love finds the strength to believe in and see the perfection, no matter what.

Surrendered, I love this man that I took as my mate, eight years ago. His strength, his weakness, his love, his searching, his confusion, his abilities, his inabilities, his peace, his turmoil, all of him…I just love him as he is for who he is, who he was, and who he is yet to become. I love me too; for all the same reasons.

This is my gift of love.

 

 

LOVE IS NOT. . .

Thoughts from Ashtora on LOVE:  Love is not about what you can do for me or what I can do for you. Love is not about what we have or have not in common. It is not about what we have or don’t have. It is not about independence or our accomplishments, individual or collective. Love is not about earning or proving anything.

Love is about who we are. Love is the willingness to be with each other. Love is about our mutual ability to allow the other into our lives; and also, to allow ourselves to be vulnerably open to one another. If I cannot allow you into my life, cannot allow myself to welcome and need (at least sometimes) your strength, your weakness, your love and all that comes with who you are, I cannot love you; and in the end, you cannot love me.

Ashtora, March 2008

Thoughts from Albert Einstein on LOVE:  A human being is a part of the whole called by us universe, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feeling as something separated from the rest, a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty.